9 – The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King(2003)

Smeagol goes all Prince and adds some symbols to his name.

Smeagol goes all Prince and adds some symbols to his name.

Four hours and ten minutes.Four fucking hours and ten minutes.Let me tell you this;normally when i see a film that runs 3 hours long i get a bit ,eh, apprehensive .Normally i like to have a beer or two when i do these reviews and i think after 4 fucking hours i don’t think i could do it justice.Fuck it I’ll try any-ways.During the film i opened up a Notepad so i could jot down some notes encase i was too drunk to remember.Here we go.Firstly Seagol takes them to this “secret stairs” which is about 5 metres from the main entrance and totally obvious.Second a little thing called a major fucking plot hole-When Seagol had the ring he didn’t age.He grew to be over 500 years old.Yet when Bilbo gave the ring away he aged like fuck.He’s nearly dead by the end.Sure Bilbo had the ring for like 70 years why didn’t Seagol die?Horseshit.Next.Not a plot hole but somewhat disconcerting,King Thedins army have a chant which is  “Death,Death,Death”.Here buddy probably not the best chant going into battle eh?And now I’m going to pick a few things that happened after the battle sequence.First Merry killed at least 6.So he was worth six men.Them Olephants were fucking cool as.Aragons accent was a bit weird throughout the trilogy for words like ‘our’ and ‘your’,they sounded super Irish.Maybe he was shooting two films at once.And lastly the lighting at the end,it’s night it’s day it’s a mega cloud it’s bright as fuck.Bad lighting bro.But i’ll leave it at this;that scene where they all bow to the hobbits ,i got teary.

IMDB RATING      –     8.8
MY RATING     –    8.4
SEEN BEFORE     –    YES
RECOMMEND?     –     YES
OVERALL     – THE SFX ARE A LOT BETTER.FEW PLOT BITS I DON’T AGREE WITH BUT I’LL LEAVE.

I've never had two pics to a post but this cracked me up.It's like something an Irish buck would say.

I’ve never had two pics to a post but this cracked me up.It’s like something an Irish buck would say.

21 – The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

The Olympic Torch makes its way into isengard.

The Olympic Torch makes its way into isengard.

Lord of The Rings is about a wealthy English nobleman who has a penchant for collecting wedding rings.Not,everyone knows what LOTR is about.I was looking forward to this on the list but when the film starts it just jumps right in.The story begins right after the credits,no humming or ha-ing.It’s the second film so i guess there was reason to go back and retell or introduce anything.That’s why the first third of the film i wasn’t too bothered about the characters,then the second third i was just getting to know them again and there side stories and the last bit i was excited and now that it’s over i want to watch the next one.But i don’t think i’ll bother,i seen it some 10 years,yes it’s been 10 years,ago and it’s a long film too.I found a lot of the CGI didn’t hold the test of time.I guess when you’re making an epic film,or three,you have to skimp and cut corners somewhere and there was more scenes than i care to mention that the special effects just looked a bit on the shit side for me.Great story though and fair dues to Jackson for tackling and fighting to get the rights to make the film.Lets see,notable stuff:Aragon or the buck who plays him is a solid actor,merry and pippen come across as too camp in places,Sauromon must spend half his day combing his hair up in that castle like Rapunzele or something.Also the Orcs had a pretty good grasp of language,who taught them how to speak?I noticed 2 chatting to each other while guarding the black gate,what would they be talking about? “Going out for the weekend?” , “How’s the missus?”

IMDB RATING      –     8.7
MY RATING     –    7.8
SEEN BEFORE     –     YES
RECOMMEND?     –     YES
OVERALL     –  EITHER WATCH THEM ALL TOGETHER OR NOT AT ALL.

128 – Touch of Evil (1958)

If only they'd blow this fucker up at the start of the film and not the other guy.

If only they’d blown this fucker up at the start of the film and not the other guy.

Orson Welles stars in the hot steamy pile of shit.My god this is one terrible film,from the guy who brought us Citizen Kane this is a travesty.The story is a weird one and takes about 25 minutes before you even get into it.Let me give you the gist of what it’s about.A car crossing the border from Mexico to America blows up just across the border(U.S.A) and the cops land in to see what’s the story.Meanwhile a Mexican cop and his new wife are entering the states on their honeymoon.He offers to help.The american cop is as bent as a dogs hind leg and only the Mexican can see this.While he’s helping with the car bomb case and investigating the cop his wife gets into all sorts of trouble with some ‘dope heads’ who drug her,blow “reefer” smoke on her and all other kinds of shit.Then the cops arrest her for drug charges because they can “practically smell the dope on her”.Fucking retarded.And the bad guy is some kind of Gomez Addams looking dude.I wouldn’t place this film on the top 1000.

IMDB RATING      –     8.2
MY RATING     –    4
SEEN BEFORE     –     NO
RECOMMEND?     –     NO
OVERALL     –  TOUCH OF EVIL?TOUCH OF SHIT MORE LIKE.