7 – The Dark Knight (2008)

Eminem is The Joker?

Eminem is The Joker?

Dark Knight?Dark shite more like.Nah,that’s a bit harsh innit?I’m not sure why but i don’t like this film.Maybe it was all the hype surrounding it what with The Ledge dying pretty soon after filming.I liked the one before this and the one after it but this one i thought was just a bit average.Nothing spectacular.The plot for the Dark Knight; we’re introduced to a new madman,The Joker, and a new good guy in Harvey Dent.Dent is the new district attorney and seems like he’s got the guts to tackle the mobsters and shut down organised crime.The Joker,as mad as he looks,is running about setting up games and planting hundreds or barrels of petrol and bombs everywhere.I don’t know where he gets the time.Busy guy.The Joker gets Batman by the balls,metaphorically,and blackmails him into showing his face.He starts killing off civilians so then Gotham hates him.There’s also a change or actress in this if nobody noticed,Katie Holmes was booted off and the door looking Maggie Glynenenenenenthall takes her spot.Her performance is pretty poor in my opinion.At the end the film just ends.That’s it.No inclination of what to expect in the next instalment,this kind of left me on a bum note.

IMDB RATING      –     8.9
MY RATING     –    7.1
SEEN BEFORE     –    YES
RECOMMEND?     –     NO
OVERALL     – MEH

8 – Schindler’s List (1993)

If there's tits in a film i'll find them.

If there’s tits in a film I’ll find them.

Schindler’s List is a romantic comedy in which Liam Neeson plays Schindler,a man who loses his memory every night when he falls asleep.He relies on a complex series of notes and lists to function in modern day Miami.Rob Schneider plays the love interest. Actually nothing could be further from the truth.Here we have movie 6 i think that’s about the Holocaust .Schindler is a businessman who runs a pots and pans factory with a Jewish workforce.This is all during world war 2 and as you may or not know the Germans weren’t the Jews biggest fans.So Neeson tries to help them by giving them a job.If you’re a skilled worker then you won’t be shipped off to the camps or Auschwitz. There’s a lot of bribery going on and Neeson spends all his money/valuables in order to try and help them. Ralph Fiennes plays a sadistic Nazi guy in this who takes pleasure in killing Jews for no reason.Bad fucker.When Neeson show s a bit of compassion for the Jews and treats them like humans Fiennes has him taken in for questioning to see if he’s a sympathizer. The movie has quite a lot of people getting killed and the brutality of the Nazi is fucking depressing and keep in mind this is all a true story.I got a bit teary eyed at one point during the film,i had bug spray on my finger and itched my eye.

IMDB RATING      –     8.9
MY RATING     –    8.2
SEEN BEFORE     –    YES
RECOMMEND?     –     YES
OVERALL     – VERY DEPRESSING

9 – The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King(2003)

Smeagol goes all Prince and adds some symbols to his name.

Smeagol goes all Prince and adds some symbols to his name.

Four hours and ten minutes.Four fucking hours and ten minutes.Let me tell you this;normally when i see a film that runs 3 hours long i get a bit ,eh, apprehensive .Normally i like to have a beer or two when i do these reviews and i think after 4 fucking hours i don’t think i could do it justice.Fuck it I’ll try any-ways.During the film i opened up a Notepad so i could jot down some notes encase i was too drunk to remember.Here we go.Firstly Seagol takes them to this “secret stairs” which is about 5 metres from the main entrance and totally obvious.Second a little thing called a major fucking plot hole-When Seagol had the ring he didn’t age.He grew to be over 500 years old.Yet when Bilbo gave the ring away he aged like fuck.He’s nearly dead by the end.Sure Bilbo had the ring for like 70 years why didn’t Seagol die?Horseshit.Next.Not a plot hole but somewhat disconcerting,King Thedins army have a chant which is  “Death,Death,Death”.Here buddy probably not the best chant going into battle eh?And now I’m going to pick a few things that happened after the battle sequence.First Merry killed at least 6.So he was worth six men.Them Olephants were fucking cool as.Aragons accent was a bit weird throughout the trilogy for words like ‘our’ and ‘your’,they sounded super Irish.Maybe he was shooting two films at once.And lastly the lighting at the end,it’s night it’s day it’s a mega cloud it’s bright as fuck.Bad lighting bro.But i’ll leave it at this;that scene where they all bow to the hobbits ,i got teary.

IMDB RATING      –     8.8
MY RATING     –    8.4
SEEN BEFORE     –    YES
RECOMMEND?     –     YES
OVERALL     – THE SFX ARE A LOT BETTER.FEW PLOT BITS I DON’T AGREE WITH BUT I’LL LEAVE.

I've never had two pics to a post but this cracked me up.It's like something an Irish buck would say.

I’ve never had two pics to a post but this cracked me up.It’s like something an Irish buck would say.

10 – Fight Club (1999)

I was caught in 2 minds of what to have as the image.It was either the naked body double who plays Marla during the sex scene or the spliced in cock at the end.

I was caught in 2 minds of what to have as the image.It was either the naked body double who plays Marla during the sex scene or the spliced in cock at the end.

I enjoyed Fight Club when it first came out.It’s an original film and it’s hard to get them nowadays,everything seems to be a franchise or a re-boot.I can’t believe it came out 14 years ago,that’s fucking mad,half my life ago.Fight Clubs a movie adaptation of a book of the same name.Guy who wrote this also wrote Choke which was made for movie soon after this,i guess riding on the coat tails of the success of this.I read one of the dudes book and all the same stuff from Fight Clubs in it,he even uses the ‘i am Jacks…’ thing in it verbatim. Maybe he’s a lazy writer.Anyway back to the film.I’d love to go back to the first time i seen again because after you know the twist the re-watch value drops significantly. Yeah you’ll watch it again but your not going to be looking front and centre you’re going to be looking for all the bits you missed,and there are a ton of them.That’s why we have pause and frame by frame on dvd players.I was reading that they were going to cast Tom Hanks as Tyler and Morgan Freeman as the leads but they pulled out at the last moment due to filming constraints.Carter,man how i loathe that actress,i don’t know who I’d cast instead but not her any ways. I was an hour into the film and i was trying to remember Nortons characters name,wracking my brains,credits roll and he didn’t have a name.Here’s another thing i noticed,that a song by Papa Roach called ‘Between Angels and Insects’ was 3 or 4 lines that are directly quoted from this film.I did some research and the song was recorded in 1999 and released in 2001.I wonder if they paid to clear it?

IMDB RATING      –     8.8
MY RATING     –    8.4
SEEN BEFORE     –    YES
RECOMMEND?     –     YES
OVERALL     – LOOKS GOOD.CGI IS DESCENT LOOKING FOR 1999.

P.S. The audio levels were crazy on this,during every fight scene i had to half the volume,just a warning if you’re going to be wearing earphones.

11 – Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back(1980)

Drop of incest on the go here and by the looks of Han it looks like he could be Hand-Solo yet.Get it?Hand-Solo?No?

Drop of incest on the go here and by the looks of Hans face it looks like he could be Hand-Solo yet.Get it?Hand-Solo?No?

Like the Lord of The Rings trilogy I’m just after watching these jumbled up again.I think it was third-first then second.This one was my favourite.Comparing it to the first one,this looked way more polished and the special effects were a step above A New Hope.The over all look of the film was great,a lot more crisp i thought.I was looking to see if there was any difference between the camera or processing specs for this and A New Hope and all i could find was this one had Panavision.Maybe i just had a low resolution version of the previous film.About the film,well we have all the cronies back together and still hanging out with the rebels.The opening scene i burst out laughing when Luke gets a slap in the face from a Yeti.Yes a fucking Yeti.Darth Vader is at it again and is hunting down Luke to try and make him join the dark side,but Luke’s off training with Yoda. Yoda is one weird little fucker,hard to get a straight answer out of him and he pisses off Luke by acting like idiot.On the whole a good film,Lucas took a step back from this one and i see him with only two credit-Story By and Producer all the rest like screenplay and direction are by other bucks.

IMDB RATING      –     8.8
MY RATING     –    8.3
SEEN BEFORE     –    NO
RECOMMEND?     –     YES
OVERALL     – SOME GOOD LINES IN IT:”HOW’YA DOING,BUDDY?”

12 – One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)

When he cracked up I cracked up.

When he cracked up I cracked up.

Now we’re getting to the good shit.Cuckoos Nest is a movie adaptation of Ken Keseys book of the same name.OFOTCN is great film,Jack Nicholson’s portrayal of Murphy as the slick street tough dude who gets banged up for fighting but then gets transferred to the mental is spot on.There’s a load of familiar faces in the ensemble.For example we have The Penguin,Doc Brown,buddy from The Shining and the dude who plays a ghost in Ghost.De Vito being one of the most convincing mentalists for me.I just remembered i read this a good while back and it was pretty interesting.It’s told through the eyes of the chief and the film is pretty accurate except in the book the chief believes theres a machine in the hospital that opens up and sucks everyone into the cogs while they sleep.When i read this i thought ‘what the fuck?’.Then it took a moment to realise that yeah he is mental,these people are all mental.When you see the film you just see funny and entertaining but you have to realise that yes they are in there for a reason.The last 12 minutes of the film are harrowing.Sad shit.

IMDB RATING      –     8.8
MY RATING     –    8.6
SEEN BEFORE     –    YES
RECOMMEND?     –     YES
OVERALL     – NURSE RATCHED IS A CUNT.GO SEE’BERLIN CALLING’ FOR A 21ST CENTURY VERSION.

13 – The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring(2001)

Merry draws the short straw and gets the carrot in the arse.

Merry draws the short straw and gets the carrot in the arse.

Part one of the trilogy here,I’m just after looking up the list and i see the last part is a couple of films away.Shit,it would have been nice to watch them in order.Another 3 and a half hour epic here.I’d love to find out how many extras Jackson had for this one,or even for any of the films because there always seems to be a load of orc or urkhi knocking about.In this one Jackson introduces us to all the characters in a light and comedic way.But as the story progresses we get a lot of homoerotic looks between hobbits. It takes away form the film at times.Then there is Frodo who seems to blow his load every-time he either pops the ring on or gets stabbed.The film starts out in the Shire with Ian Holm playing a 111 year old Bilbo Baggins getting ready to retire and bugger off and die,he wills everything to Frodo including the ring.Gandalf finds out what the ring is and then the story is off.In the first hour i was questioning the whole idea that you can make a ring and it gives you power.Also when Sauran puts the ring on,over a big metal glove which has a bigger diameter than the ring,he gets super strong,yet when someone else puts it on they turn invisible. What good is it then?Okay so your invisible but what if i build a bomb and throw it in your general direction?I had a laugh out loud bit when Gimli the dwarf,who hates elves,asks for a hair of Cate Blanchetts head and then he says “she gave me three”.Retarded.Also in this he said “nobody tosses a dwarf” and in the third film Aragon tosses him off.Gross.Now for a few good/bad points-the underwater sequences that are obviously no shot under water=bad.That scene where Galadriel,the elf queen,turns into the dark queen is amazing=good.

IMDB RATING      –     8.8
MY RATING     –    8.3
SEEN BEFORE     –    YES
RECOMMEND?     –     YES
OVERALL     – SAME AS THE REST.VERY GOOD.FEW TEARY MOMENTS.LIKE GANDALF AND BOROMIR KICKING IT.