5 – The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966)

One of Halle Berrys earlier works.

One of Halle Berrys earlier works.

The last Leone film on the list and it starts in true Leone style.It’s got a cool title sequence,with animated text and what not.It’s also got all the other bucks form his other films,Van Cleef,Eastwood and the guy who had the musical watch in the last film.The beginning has his familiar beginnings;a few cowboys walking around,some good close ups and not much chat.In fact it’s 10 minutes 30 before the first word is uttered.Tense stuff.This one’s set during the civil war and revolves around 3 characters , The Good – Eastwood as Blondie (doesn’t even have blond hair), The Bad – Van Cleef and The Ugly – the fat guy.Blondie and the ugly have a racket going.The ugly is wanted and Blondie captures him and gets the bounty then frees him and they split it.About the middle of the movie Blondie ‘and the ugly find out theres $200,000 hidden somewhere.Each have half of the puzzle and are keeping it to them selves.The Bad also knows about the money and tries to muscle in.It’s a good old story,I’m not sure if it warrants a full 3 hours but my d/l said it was an extended version so maybe it’s shorter normally.As always there’s a mad soundtrack to this,Leone really goes all out.I think my dad had it on C.D. when i was a kid.I thought of a good drinking game for this film. Every time someone shoots a hat take a drink.You’ll be drunk in no time.

IMDB RATING      –     8.9
MY RATING     –    8
SEEN BEFORE     –     YES
RECOMMEND?     –     YES
OVERALL     –  YEAH IT’S OKAY.BUT I’M NOT SURE IT SHOULD BE AT THIS SPOT.

 

8 – Schindler’s List (1993)

If there's tits in a film i'll find them.

If there’s tits in a film I’ll find them.

Schindler’s List is a romantic comedy in which Liam Neeson plays Schindler,a man who loses his memory every night when he falls asleep.He relies on a complex series of notes and lists to function in modern day Miami.Rob Schneider plays the love interest. Actually nothing could be further from the truth.Here we have movie 6 i think that’s about the Holocaust .Schindler is a businessman who runs a pots and pans factory with a Jewish workforce.This is all during world war 2 and as you may or not know the Germans weren’t the Jews biggest fans.So Neeson tries to help them by giving them a job.If you’re a skilled worker then you won’t be shipped off to the camps or Auschwitz. There’s a lot of bribery going on and Neeson spends all his money/valuables in order to try and help them. Ralph Fiennes plays a sadistic Nazi guy in this who takes pleasure in killing Jews for no reason.Bad fucker.When Neeson show s a bit of compassion for the Jews and treats them like humans Fiennes has him taken in for questioning to see if he’s a sympathizer. The movie has quite a lot of people getting killed and the brutality of the Nazi is fucking depressing and keep in mind this is all a true story.I got a bit teary eyed at one point during the film,i had bug spray on my finger and itched my eye.

IMDB RATING      –     8.9
MY RATING     –    8.2
SEEN BEFORE     –    YES
RECOMMEND?     –     YES
OVERALL     – VERY DEPRESSING

9 – The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King(2003)

Smeagol goes all Prince and adds some symbols to his name.

Smeagol goes all Prince and adds some symbols to his name.

Four hours and ten minutes.Four fucking hours and ten minutes.Let me tell you this;normally when i see a film that runs 3 hours long i get a bit ,eh, apprehensive .Normally i like to have a beer or two when i do these reviews and i think after 4 fucking hours i don’t think i could do it justice.Fuck it I’ll try any-ways.During the film i opened up a Notepad so i could jot down some notes encase i was too drunk to remember.Here we go.Firstly Seagol takes them to this “secret stairs” which is about 5 metres from the main entrance and totally obvious.Second a little thing called a major fucking plot hole-When Seagol had the ring he didn’t age.He grew to be over 500 years old.Yet when Bilbo gave the ring away he aged like fuck.He’s nearly dead by the end.Sure Bilbo had the ring for like 70 years why didn’t Seagol die?Horseshit.Next.Not a plot hole but somewhat disconcerting,King Thedins army have a chant which is  “Death,Death,Death”.Here buddy probably not the best chant going into battle eh?And now I’m going to pick a few things that happened after the battle sequence.First Merry killed at least 6.So he was worth six men.Them Olephants were fucking cool as.Aragons accent was a bit weird throughout the trilogy for words like ‘our’ and ‘your’,they sounded super Irish.Maybe he was shooting two films at once.And lastly the lighting at the end,it’s night it’s day it’s a mega cloud it’s bright as fuck.Bad lighting bro.But i’ll leave it at this;that scene where they all bow to the hobbits ,i got teary.

IMDB RATING      –     8.8
MY RATING     –    8.4
SEEN BEFORE     –    YES
RECOMMEND?     –     YES
OVERALL     – THE SFX ARE A LOT BETTER.FEW PLOT BITS I DON’T AGREE WITH BUT I’LL LEAVE.

I've never had two pics to a post but this cracked me up.It's like something an Irish buck would say.

I’ve never had two pics to a post but this cracked me up.It’s like something an Irish buck would say.

11 – Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back(1980)

Drop of incest on the go here and by the looks of Han it looks like he could be Hand-Solo yet.Get it?Hand-Solo?No?

Drop of incest on the go here and by the looks of Hans face it looks like he could be Hand-Solo yet.Get it?Hand-Solo?No?

Like the Lord of The Rings trilogy I’m just after watching these jumbled up again.I think it was third-first then second.This one was my favourite.Comparing it to the first one,this looked way more polished and the special effects were a step above A New Hope.The over all look of the film was great,a lot more crisp i thought.I was looking to see if there was any difference between the camera or processing specs for this and A New Hope and all i could find was this one had Panavision.Maybe i just had a low resolution version of the previous film.About the film,well we have all the cronies back together and still hanging out with the rebels.The opening scene i burst out laughing when Luke gets a slap in the face from a Yeti.Yes a fucking Yeti.Darth Vader is at it again and is hunting down Luke to try and make him join the dark side,but Luke’s off training with Yoda. Yoda is one weird little fucker,hard to get a straight answer out of him and he pisses off Luke by acting like idiot.On the whole a good film,Lucas took a step back from this one and i see him with only two credit-Story By and Producer all the rest like screenplay and direction are by other bucks.

IMDB RATING      –     8.8
MY RATING     –    8.3
SEEN BEFORE     –    NO
RECOMMEND?     –     YES
OVERALL     – SOME GOOD LINES IN IT:”HOW’YA DOING,BUDDY?”

16 – Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope (1977)

Here's an ad for MasterCard i spotted.

Here’s an ad for MasterCard i spotted.

I was about 5 minutes in and i had to stop the film to see if i had downloaded the right film.Lucas just throws you into the film,there’s no hanging about,that’s why i thought i had the fifth or sixth in the series.I didn’t. Lucas knows how to write a good story i’ll give him that.It’s got adventure, action, comedy and a few other bits that i thought stood out,maybe for the wrong reasons,like when Luke finds his aunt and uncles and they look like they’re just after climbing out of an oven in Auschwitz. Gruesome. Like all films there’s a few bits and pieces i’ll mention,I’ll start with the good.The special effects:You can see Lucas is trying to go the extra mile and will put in the effort to have set pieces where he can and will have some really nice props,be it costumes/suits/aliens or what ever in lieu of CGI.I noticed a small plot hole,well maybe not a hole,but Ben mentions when they find the scavengers truck in the desert that the holes and blaster damage is definitely from Stormtroopers because it’s so accurate.Accurate my ass,them Stormtroopers couldn’t hit a target 2 metres in from of themselves.In one scene where Han and Cheewie run back there’s 6-7 of them when he turns a corner and not one of the buggers gets a shot close to him.And i’ll finish up with a question.If Darth vader is the last Jedi and is pretty powerful does he know Luke and Leia are his kids?Surely he must,he was there when they were made wasn’t he.

IMDB RATING      –     8.7
MY RATING     –    8.4
SEEN BEFORE     –     YES
RECOMMEND?     –     YES
OVERALL     –  GREAT.A FEW SCENES WHERE LUCAS HAS ‘RE-USED’ FOR INDIANA JONES.

P.S. The Wilhelm Scream , well done mr Lucas i think i heard it about 5 times.

17 – Seven Samurai (1954)

I'm not sure why this samurai went to battle with his bare ass out.

I’m not sure why this samurai went to battle with his bare ass out.

Here’s an old one,1954,you wouldn’t think it from the dialogue.There’s some good insults in it that are still used frequently these days.The wipes are pretty good from scene to scene,they look quite animated.In 50’s films they all have a dissolve but in this it’s all Left-to-right fade thing.The earliest ones I’ve ever seen.The plot sees a crap village that regularly gets ambushed by bandits,hard asses,and they decide to hire some Samurai’s to kill the buggers.They rationalize that they need 5 so they get 7,and some are pretty shite.The Samurai train the farmers to fight,build fences and moats and instill a team spirit in them.As the farmers finish harvest they get ready for a big battle.Some the Samurai seem pretty Calais when they’re picking them off and counting numbers.I didn’t like this film,man was it a hard watch,i kept getting sleepy or bored and had to pause it.It’s not for me then.

IMDB RATING      –     8.7
MY RATING     –    6.7
SEEN BEFORE     –     NO
RECOMMEND?     –     NO
OVERALL     –  WAY TOO LONG.

18 – The Matrix (1999)

After Neo learns Jujitsu he learns some other needed fighting styles,drunken being one of them.

After Neo learns Jujitsu he learns some other needed fighting styles,drunken being one of them.

Here we have a pretty wicked Anime called Ghost in The Shell,wait i meant a live action film called The Matrix.The Matrix is a highly original film apart from all the bits they ripped off scene for scene from the Anime that they had to get legally cleared to use in the film.Besides that it’s okay.I for one am not a fan.It centrals around a guy called Neo who meets a black dude who’s some sort of drug dealer. Well at least it’s realistic. I’m not sure if this films stands the test of time.There were loads of bits that either seemed very camp or just didn’t feel right.I’ll try and not go into a rant here but,plot holes,the whole concept of machines growing humans to generate electricity is a pile of dung.For one surely it would take a shit load of electricity to keep this humans plugged into this big fake world and then there’s the actual fact that humans consume energy and not generate it.

IMDB RATING      –     8.7
MY RATING     –    7.7
SEEN BEFORE     –     YES
RECOMMEND?     –     YES
OVERALL     –  MEH,MOSS IS A BIT DEPRESSING LOOKING.THE SOUND LEVELS WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE TOO.