22 – Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)

This guy is reminiscing about his deal old mother.

This guy is reminiscing about his deal old mother.

Another Leone western,the last one on the list as far as i can tell.No Clint Eastwood or any of the other regulars,the lead’s taken by Charles Bronson.I’m not sure if i’m 100% sold on him either.Here’s a run down of the plot:A good looking thing that could be a ringer for Rachel Welch is marrying into a big ginger family out west.But the day she lands in on the train the whole family is slaughtered.We find out why later,it’s something to do with putting train tracks through his property.The train line guy thought he could just wipe out the family and get the land at a public auction,but he didn’t know that the ginger married this woman in secret about a month earlier.Now she complicates the deal a bit as she has now acquired this bit of land.I’m not entirely sure how Bronson works into the whole picture or who he actually is but he gets involved and helps out the damsel and shoots a few baddies too and the while he squeezes out a few tunes on his old harmonica.The other supporting actor playing Cheyenne is a more likable character,he’s got good lines too.For example he talking to a sneaky guy who’s wearing a belt and suspenders and comes out with this one “You’re wearing a belt and suspenders.How am i meant to trust a man who can’t even trust his own trousers?“This film is pretty long and i’ll confess i was dozing off in parts but i do feel well rested for the next film on the list.

IMDB RATING      –     8.6
MY RATING     –    7
SEEN BEFORE     –     NO
RECOMMEND?     –     NO
OVERALL     – THERE’S A GOOD BIT AT 1 HOUR 24 WHERE BRONSON GETS BITCH SLAPPED 4-5 TIMES IN HALF A SECOND.

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75 – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

I wish someone had taken the time to smother me before this film started.

I wish someone had taken the time to smother me before this film started.

I’ve seen this film about 8 or 9 years ago when it first came out and it wasn’t for me.While I’ve been travelling around here the last 2 months i like to talk film with people.One person i asked what his favorite film was and he said this was.I said it was a bad film and i didn’t like it.But now with a second viewing i think i can amend my views and say it’s a terrible film and i hate it.It’s going to be one of them films i’m going to put on the list of films i never want to see again.Clementines personality is just so loathsome to me.Everything about her pisses me off.I’m by no means a misogynist or anything but she just seems like an attention whore and needs everyone to pay attention to her.She’s a bad girlfriend for one,constantly belittling Joel and making him feel like shit and for no apparent reason.I know the memories are meant to be in reverse order and she’s gets nicer the further back they go but the last scene where they meet up again and play each others tapes it seems like they bypassed the good bits of the previous relationship and went straight to her being a bitch.The film’s a good original concept i have to hand it to whoever came up with it,either Gondry or Kauffman.Gondry did The Science of Sleep after this and both films have similar elements.The only other bit i liked was the Beck track.But that’s credit to Beck not the film.

IMDB RATING      –     8.4
MY RATING     –    6
SEEN BEFORE     –     YES
RECOMMEND?     –     NO
OVERALL     –  WOMEN ARE CRAZY

 

89 – Metropolis (1927)

Hello,is that 11811?Yeah can i get the number for Dominos Pizza in Letterkenny?Cheers

Hello,is that 11811?Yeah can i get the number for Dominos Pizza in Letterkenny?Cheers

Fuck i hate Metropolis so bad.I had to watch it in college and my lecturer was rabbiting on about this that and the other,but it’s tribe.This copy I’ve downloaded had some additional text at the beginning stating that the film was constructed from various sources of original negatives and that about a quarter or it had been lost or destroyed.Good.If only three quarters had been destroyed and one remained.If you’re having trouble sleeping then I’d recommend this film.After 7-8 minutes,every time i put this on i fall asleep.Anyone who can sit through this two hour long silent film which doesn’t have an ending needs to get their head examined.The plot can be simple or excessively complex depending on who you ask,but ill give you a run down of it.A hot shot build a big city,the workers live underground,his wife dies birthing his son,a mad scientist make a robot that looks like she was made out of old beer cans and some car parts.The scientist said something that caught my eye “give me 24 hours and no one will be able to tell the difference between a man and a robot man”.Bullshit,what’s he going to do in 24 hours?Put a hat and a trench coat on it?Fuck me it took him over 20 years to build that tin monstrosity ,i don’t think he’ll do much more in 24 hours.But with the use of a few wires and neon lights he manages to put the robot inside of a chick,or put her skin on it.It all doesn’t make sense one bit.Visually there’s some nice large set pieces but that’s all i can say about it.If you fancy having a look at a Metropolis remake I’d go for the 2001 Anime version.The Simon & Garfunkel track near the end in haunting.

IMDB RATING      –     8.2
MY RATING     –    2.5
SEEN BEFORE     –     YES
RECOMMEND?     –     NO
OVERALL     –  DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR~POKE YOUR EYES OUT BEFORE WATCHING.

94 – All About Eve (1950)

awk-wardddddddddd

awk-wardddddddddd

The film’s only 2 hours and 15 minutes long but it took me over six hours to get through it.I stopped it to go or dinner,stopped it for a nap,stopped it get stuff ready for work tomorrow and stopped it to kill a couple of mosquitoes that were flying around the room.What does that tell you about the film?It’s pure dung.Christ i think a two hour video of dung would be better than this,might have gotten through it in one sitting anyway.Here’s the story:There’s an old (40) stage actress who has a sort of stalker fan type (26),she gets taken under her wing.The young one learns as much acting and stuff from her on the fly and gets some connections and eventually takes the old ones place.I guess that’s about it.Marilyn Monroe has a small part,two scenes only,and she’s pretty much playing herself:bubbly up and coming actress,a pair of tits and a smile.As the film nears an end people find out that Eve is a scammer and not who she says she is.

IMDB RATING      –     8.3
MY RATING     –    3.5
SEEN BEFORE     –     NO
RECOMMEND?     –     NO
OVERALL     –  IS THIS SOME CRUEL JOKE?THANK GOD 2001:A SPACE ODYSSEY IS NEXT.

128 – Touch of Evil (1958)

If only they'd blow this fucker up at the start of the film and not the other guy.

If only they’d blown this fucker up at the start of the film and not the other guy.

Orson Welles stars in the hot steamy pile of shit.My god this is one terrible film,from the guy who brought us Citizen Kane this is a travesty.The story is a weird one and takes about 25 minutes before you even get into it.Let me give you the gist of what it’s about.A car crossing the border from Mexico to America blows up just across the border(U.S.A) and the cops land in to see what’s the story.Meanwhile a Mexican cop and his new wife are entering the states on their honeymoon.He offers to help.The american cop is as bent as a dogs hind leg and only the Mexican can see this.While he’s helping with the car bomb case and investigating the cop his wife gets into all sorts of trouble with some ‘dope heads’ who drug her,blow “reefer” smoke on her and all other kinds of shit.Then the cops arrest her for drug charges because they can “practically smell the dope on her”.Fucking retarded.And the bad guy is some kind of Gomez Addams looking dude.I wouldn’t place this film on the top 1000.

IMDB RATING      –     8.2
MY RATING     –    4
SEEN BEFORE     –     NO
RECOMMEND?     –     NO
OVERALL     –  TOUCH OF EVIL?TOUCH OF SHIT MORE LIKE.

147 – The Wizard of Oz (1939)

Falling asleep in the Poppy field,a little opium reference here

Falling asleep in the Poppy field,a little opium reference here

The Wizard of Oz is about a girl who gets a concussion when a window hits her on the head and trips out and has a crazy dream.A dream that lasts about an hour and a half long and seems to contain about a dozen songs.I think i said before that i disliked musicals but i’ll make an exception for this one and say that i fucking hate musicals.Songs aside for a second,the plot is pretty original and has spawned 2 or 3 spin offs (The Wiz for one).Visually it looks really good, the colours,large set pieces and well painted and enhanced back drops.There’s also a massive cast:the munchkins,flying apes,guards and a few other bucks.This is one for the kids,turn it on,give them a bowl of corn flakes and then fuck off for 1 hour 41 minutes.

IMDB RATING      –     8.1
MY RATING     –    4.6
SEEN BEFORE     –     YES
RECOMMEND?     –     NO
OVERALL     –  I STRUGGLED WITH THIS ONE.

150 – Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003)

pure shit

pure shit

Where do i begin with the monstrosity of a film?Lets me think.Taratino is one selfish director making a film compleatly for himself,i know that sounds a bit weird but listen to this.When you watch  a good film you should be able to make up your own mind and come to your own conclusions but what Tarantino does is spoon feed you so that you have to think what he forces you to think.He does this throughout the film with title screens and a voice over narrative that you shouldn’t even need if you can tell the story with the imagery.And the music,fuck me,the music,i felt like i had accidentily switched over to MTV at various stages in the film.I counted the songs at the credits and it was 31 songs.If you make a good film you shouldn’t have to pepper it with songs to rouse the viewer.One more thing,if you’re going to make a film just make a film,have a plot,good actors and the rest,don’t fill it full of all this unessessary crap like bleeping words out or switching between black and white all the time.Too much added shit like this spoiled this film.And yeah Tarantino we got the Pulp Fiction reference.

IMDB RATING      –     8.1
MY RATING     –    5.3
SEEN BEFORE     –     YES
RECOMMEND?     –     YES
OVERALL     –  DON’T BOTHER.