17 – Seven Samurai (1954)

I'm not sure why this samurai went to battle with his bare ass out.

I’m not sure why this samurai went to battle with his bare ass out.

Here’s an old one,1954,you wouldn’t think it from the dialogue.There’s some good insults in it that are still used frequently these days.The wipes are pretty good from scene to scene,they look quite animated.In 50’s films they all have a dissolve but in this it’s all Left-to-right fade thing.The earliest ones I’ve ever seen.The plot sees a crap village that regularly gets ambushed by bandits,hard asses,and they decide to hire some Samurai’s to kill the buggers.They rationalize that they need 5 so they get 7,and some are pretty shite.The Samurai train the farmers to fight,build fences and moats and instill a team spirit in them.As the farmers finish harvest they get ready for a big battle.Some the Samurai seem pretty Calais when they’re picking them off and counting numbers.I didn’t like this film,man was it a hard watch,i kept getting sleepy or bored and had to pause it.It’s not for me then.

IMDB RATING      –     8.7
MY RATING     –    6.7
SEEN BEFORE     –     NO
RECOMMEND?     –     NO
OVERALL     –  WAY TOO LONG.

75 – Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

I wish someone had taken the time to smother me before this film started.

I wish someone had taken the time to smother me before this film started.

I’ve seen this film about 8 or 9 years ago when it first came out and it wasn’t for me.While I’ve been travelling around here the last 2 months i like to talk film with people.One person i asked what his favorite film was and he said this was.I said it was a bad film and i didn’t like it.But now with a second viewing i think i can amend my views and say it’s a terrible film and i hate it.It’s going to be one of them films i’m going to put on the list of films i never want to see again.Clementines personality is just so loathsome to me.Everything about her pisses me off.I’m by no means a misogynist or anything but she just seems like an attention whore and needs everyone to pay attention to her.She’s a bad girlfriend for one,constantly belittling Joel and making him feel like shit and for no apparent reason.I know the memories are meant to be in reverse order and she’s gets nicer the further back they go but the last scene where they meet up again and play each others tapes it seems like they bypassed the good bits of the previous relationship and went straight to her being a bitch.The film’s a good original concept i have to hand it to whoever came up with it,either Gondry or Kauffman.Gondry did The Science of Sleep after this and both films have similar elements.The only other bit i liked was the Beck track.But that’s credit to Beck not the film.

IMDB RATING      –     8.4
MY RATING     –    6
SEEN BEFORE     –     YES
RECOMMEND?     –     NO
OVERALL     –  WOMEN ARE CRAZY

 

89 – Metropolis (1927)

Hello,is that 11811?Yeah can i get the number for Dominos Pizza in Letterkenny?Cheers

Hello,is that 11811?Yeah can i get the number for Dominos Pizza in Letterkenny?Cheers

Fuck i hate Metropolis so bad.I had to watch it in college and my lecturer was rabbiting on about this that and the other,but it’s tribe.This copy I’ve downloaded had some additional text at the beginning stating that the film was constructed from various sources of original negatives and that about a quarter or it had been lost or destroyed.Good.If only three quarters had been destroyed and one remained.If you’re having trouble sleeping then I’d recommend this film.After 7-8 minutes,every time i put this on i fall asleep.Anyone who can sit through this two hour long silent film which doesn’t have an ending needs to get their head examined.The plot can be simple or excessively complex depending on who you ask,but ill give you a run down of it.A hot shot build a big city,the workers live underground,his wife dies birthing his son,a mad scientist make a robot that looks like she was made out of old beer cans and some car parts.The scientist said something that caught my eye “give me 24 hours and no one will be able to tell the difference between a man and a robot man”.Bullshit,what’s he going to do in 24 hours?Put a hat and a trench coat on it?Fuck me it took him over 20 years to build that tin monstrosity ,i don’t think he’ll do much more in 24 hours.But with the use of a few wires and neon lights he manages to put the robot inside of a chick,or put her skin on it.It all doesn’t make sense one bit.Visually there’s some nice large set pieces but that’s all i can say about it.If you fancy having a look at a Metropolis remake I’d go for the 2001 Anime version.The Simon & Garfunkel track near the end in haunting.

IMDB RATING      –     8.2
MY RATING     –    2.5
SEEN BEFORE     –     YES
RECOMMEND?     –     NO
OVERALL     –  DO YOURSELF A FAVOUR~POKE YOUR EYES OUT BEFORE WATCHING.

94 – All About Eve (1950)

awk-wardddddddddd

awk-wardddddddddd

The film’s only 2 hours and 15 minutes long but it took me over six hours to get through it.I stopped it to go or dinner,stopped it for a nap,stopped it get stuff ready for work tomorrow and stopped it to kill a couple of mosquitoes that were flying around the room.What does that tell you about the film?It’s pure dung.Christ i think a two hour video of dung would be better than this,might have gotten through it in one sitting anyway.Here’s the story:There’s an old (40) stage actress who has a sort of stalker fan type (26),she gets taken under her wing.The young one learns as much acting and stuff from her on the fly and gets some connections and eventually takes the old ones place.I guess that’s about it.Marilyn Monroe has a small part,two scenes only,and she’s pretty much playing herself:bubbly up and coming actress,a pair of tits and a smile.As the film nears an end people find out that Eve is a scammer and not who she says she is.

IMDB RATING      –     8.3
MY RATING     –    3.5
SEEN BEFORE     –     NO
RECOMMEND?     –     NO
OVERALL     –  IS THIS SOME CRUEL JOKE?THANK GOD 2001:A SPACE ODYSSEY IS NEXT.

102 -A Separation (2011)

This one's taken out of context...                    .... or is it?

This one’s taken out of context… …. or is it?

I think this is the first Muslim film on the list,they’re probably too busy beating and opressing their wives to make that many films.As the title suggests this is about a couple who are going through a sepetation.The husband lives with  his dad,who has alzheimers,and his 11 year old daughter.His wife leaves and goes to live with her mother,i think.So the guy needs to get someone in to watch his dad during the day while he’s a work and the kid is at school.Here’s where things get a bit tricky.He manages to get a woman in to watch his dad but she cant handle the work load and quits,but she says he husband might be better.The guy then meets the husband and the husband agrees.Roll on the first day and low and behold buddy doesnt show up but his wife does.Her husband is in jail for owing money to lenders so she’ll cover for him today.Things get a bit heated when the guy lands home,something about stolen money,and he’s shoves her out the door and into the stairwell.Then she has a miscarriage and the fetus falls from under her burka and bounces down a few steps.Okay so maybe the fetus didnt fall out,but she loses the baby.There’s a big court battle after and things are prety heated.Muslims are aggressive loud fuckers.

IMDB RATING      –     8.3
MY RATING     –    6.6
SEEN BEFORE     –     NO
RECOMMEND?     –     NO
OVERALL     – SLOW BURNER AND AN AWFUL LOT OF AGRESSION/FIGHTING.

113 – Inglourious Basterds (2009)

I wish some had taken the time to shoot me before i started to watch this film.

I wish some had taken the time to shoot me before i started to watch this film.

Tarantino takes a stab at World War II here in Inglourious Basterds.I’ve tried to watch this film some 6 times now and I’ve either fallen asleep or lost interest and turned it off.Even this time i had to watch it in two parts because i fell asleep.Maybe it’s the length because it’d dead boring but either way – not a fan.Tarantino does his usual shit by adding unessessary bits and pieces everywhere.For example the title screens breaking the film into chapters.Why the fuck does he keep doing that?What’s the point of it?He did it in Kill Bill too.I can’t remember if he did in Django or not.Also having the name of one of the SS super imposed on the screen with an arrow pointing at him,retarded.Are you 6 years old?One more bit,when lars meets Soshanna for the second time we have a flash back to the opening scene where she gets away,Tarantino you prick i can remember back 40 minutes ago stop spoon feeding the viewer.Now the story,there’s a plot to kill Hitler.A U.S. team of Nazi killers plans to blow up a cinema.Also a Jew plans to burn the same cinema on the same night.That’s it.The rest is filler.A good 2 hours of filler.There was a plot hole i spotted but i can’t remember it now.

IMDB RATING      –     8.3
MY RATING     –    6.7
SEEN BEFORE     –     YES
RECOMMEND?     –     NO
OVERALL     –  FASSBENDER AND WALTZ ARE EXCELLENT,BUT TWO GREAT ACTORS COULDN’T SAVE THE FILM FOR ME.

128 – Touch of Evil (1958)

If only they'd blow this fucker up at the start of the film and not the other guy.

If only they’d blown this fucker up at the start of the film and not the other guy.

Orson Welles stars in the hot steamy pile of shit.My god this is one terrible film,from the guy who brought us Citizen Kane this is a travesty.The story is a weird one and takes about 25 minutes before you even get into it.Let me give you the gist of what it’s about.A car crossing the border from Mexico to America blows up just across the border(U.S.A) and the cops land in to see what’s the story.Meanwhile a Mexican cop and his new wife are entering the states on their honeymoon.He offers to help.The american cop is as bent as a dogs hind leg and only the Mexican can see this.While he’s helping with the car bomb case and investigating the cop his wife gets into all sorts of trouble with some ‘dope heads’ who drug her,blow “reefer” smoke on her and all other kinds of shit.Then the cops arrest her for drug charges because they can “practically smell the dope on her”.Fucking retarded.And the bad guy is some kind of Gomez Addams looking dude.I wouldn’t place this film on the top 1000.

IMDB RATING      –     8.2
MY RATING     –    4
SEEN BEFORE     –     NO
RECOMMEND?     –     NO
OVERALL     –  TOUCH OF EVIL?TOUCH OF SHIT MORE LIKE.